Once upon a time there was an innocent baby girl born on into a world of heartbreaks and chaos on New Years Eve. A world that continues to shoot each other then yell for change. A world where people live paycheck to paycheck while the rich continue to drive the lower class out of the neighborhoods we grew up in. A world where people think that suicide is the only option. A world where kids lose their childhood fighting a disease.
I just recently started reading a book called, “Defeating the Demonic Realm”. I’ve been in a dark place recently and needed to find a way overcome my fears. Heartbreak seems to be on the top of my list and next in line – the fear of failure. I have learned that we are all battling something behind closed doors and most of us are losing – I don’t want to lose.
The Bible states not to go after the devil itself. But to break the its schemes and wiles of the devil.
As I lay here in bed after spending an entire day applying at several colleges, I continue to tell myself, “UNOP has a 17% graduation rate, I’m going to be in that 17%, but I don’t want to go to UNOP, I want take classes at ASU.” Indecisive me. My brain seems to be going 100 mph.
I applied at three schools today – UNOP (least favorite), Arizona State University, and Penn State. I have this huge feeling that I will end up at Penn State University but we’ll see. I spoke with an enrollment representative at ASU today and he was concerned over my previous test scores and after speaking to him, I felt discouraged even though I averaged a 3.5 GPA during my community college years. The admissions process is a headache and I’m dreading it.
Anyway, this was a huge decision for me since I never had time to focus on earning my BA nor did anyone in my teenage years provide me with any guidance. My father labeled me a failure for most of my life and I never pictured myself getting serious with school. Getting money was all I knew and something I never failed at.
I told my mother my plans on getting my BA in Business and her response was, “Oh.” No excitement in the tone of her voice, no “I’m proud of you!” Just an “Oh” as if I just made the worst decision of my life. It was nothing surprising to me. I was the oldest in the family, the least favorite. Through my parents eyes, I was just another source of income. Just another head in the household to help pay rent. Me graduating from college was not in their plans for my future.
However, I do admit I fucked up in high school. Got caught up with the wrong crowd and dropped out like an idiot. I made some shitty decisions as a teenager and my parents, especially my father, continue to hold that guilt over me til this day. Everything positive I chose to do with my life, just isn’t convincing enough to them. My ex-boyfriend used to tell me that I had no talent and how much of a failure I was. If the negativity weren’t coming from my parents, it was coming from the man that supposedly held the key to my heart — But that’s okay. The way they chose to treat me is just one of the devil’s schemes to stop me from overcoming my fear by making me believe that I am a failure and I’m not worthy. The truth is, my God won’t let the devil win.